Page template with all categories

This has been really frustrating. For two days now, I′ve been trying to understand how to make the simplest, stupid page template with links to all categories on it (like a directory). I know I have to make a custom template starting with

<?php
/**
 * Template Name: EXAMPLE NAME
 *
 * @package WordPress
 * @subpackage Twenty_Fourteen
 * @since Twenty Fourteen 1.0
 */

Then I found from that I need to add this:

<?php
$categories = get_categories( array(
    'orderby' => 'name',
    'order'   => 'ASC'
) );

foreach( $categories as $category ) {
    $category_link = sprintf( '<a href="%1$s">%3$s</a>'
        esc_url( get_category_link( $category->term_id ) ),
        esc_attr( sprintf( __( 'View all posts in %s', 'textdomain' ), $category->name ) ),
        esc_html( $category->name )
    );

    echo '<p>' . sprintf( esc_html__( 'Category: %s', 'textdomain' ), $category_link ) . '</p> ';
    echo '<p>' . sprintf( esc_html__( 'Description: %s', 'textdomain' ), $category->description ) . '</p>';
    echo '<p>' . sprintf( esc_html__( 'Post Count: %s', 'textdomain' ), $category->count ) . '</p>';
}

I know I′m missing something because I′m getting errors.

I will not become php expert just for this and will not go through the entire codex just so I can display 5 categories on one page. Forgive my frustration and anger but I really think wp shouldn′t be that “enigmatic” for beginners.

If anybody has done this or has the knowledge and is willing to share, it would be highly appreciated.