My Jetpack has a glitch: xml_rpc-32700

Sigh. I turned off all my plugins and turned them back on again. When I attempted to reconnect to Jetpack I got the following error:

Your Jetpack has a glitch. Something went wrong that’s never supposed to happen. Guess you’re just lucky: xml_rpc-32700

When I connect to my site’s xmlrpc.php file by going to https://example.com/xmlrpc.php I get the following error message:

The requested URL was rejected. If you think this is an error, please contact the webmaster.

I disabled all plugins, deleted cache, searched all the prior messages on this issue, followed those instructions, looked for extra spaces in wp_config.php and functions.php – I am at a loss. To add to the confusion, when I try to upload photos it doesn’t work unless I use Hola to log in from another ip address.

Logging in through another ip address however does not solve my Jetpack issue. Gaaaaaaah.